guilt

On Wednesday evening I didn't work out.  I went to Costco after work and walked up and down every aisle (with the size of that store it was probably at least two miles of walking), but even though I had my bag packed I drove past the gym and on home to watch tv for the rest of the evening.  All I felt was guilt when I got home.  Even though I completed several task around the house and went to bed a decent hour, I couldn't shake the feeling of....I can't believe you didn't go to the gym today.  It sounds like an obsession and yes it probably is, but I can't help it. 

The main reason for this is I am terrified....absolutely terrified to gain the weight back.  From the research I have done online, 85-95% of people who have significant weight loss (50lbs or more) will gain the weight back within 2 years.  And most people they gain more back than they initially lost...which means they are then heavier than when they started!  What a scary thought.  I never want to be the person I was a year and half ago.  I wasn't a bad person, but I was unhappy and unhealthy and headed to a life of health problems. So fear has made me obsessed; obsessed with going to the gym 5 days a week, obsessed with what I put in my body, obsessed with talking about what race I'm running next, but I can't help it.  Its all I think about.  I feel like if I don't constantly bring it up, I'll forget where I came from and I do not want to my weight to ever start with a 2 ever again...  Hopefully this will get better with time, until then I'm sorry my friends :)