Feeling lost

I can not seem to get focused these days.  NOTHING can get me going.  I will be really good one day, and then I make one bad decision only to end up feeling full of sadness and regret.  Which leads to me either 1. drink (which is full of calories and eventually leads to consuming more food) or 2. eat.  I am not exactly one of those people that feels sad so I head to the gym?  I mean have you sat in that chair in my apartment?  It is just begging to spend Saturday afternoons sitting in it, while eating junk food and watching a Big Bang Theory marathon.  These are the marathons I need not to participate in.  I am hoping I can get back on track.  Losing weight has lost of all the glamour it once had...  It was so much fun initially now it just feels like work and is exhausting.  BUT I have to remember how great it feels to be smaller.  I need to remember how I use to feel about myself.  I now know how it feels for my clothes not to fit, or just be uncomfortably tight when worn. (my current work pants are toooooo tight and I refuse to purchase new ones)  I don't need Weight Watchers.  Or Jenny Craig.  Or Over Eaters Anonymous to help me.  The thing is I know how to do this, I just can't seem to must up the will to actually do it.  There are always biological scientific factors but the basic concept of calories burned > calories consumed will probably get me to where I need to go.  So here is my list of everything I need to do to continue to my goal (that ultimately being weighing 100 lbs less than I did at my biggest):

• Put down the bottle - Drinking is my number one downfall.  Let's be honest here I am not a one drink kind of girl.  I am more like a belly up to the bar and out drink most grown men with whiskey.  And if the calories in all those jack and cokes, blue moons, sangria's or orange bombs aren't bad enough, the food I consume during, early that morning or even the worst the next day just make it worse.  Now I am never going to stay completely sober.  I would rather never reach my goal than have to go out every Saturday night and not drink.  Or even watch a football game and not give myself the option of a cold beer.  But I need to stop the mindless drinking.  The 8 brandys and apple cider at Friendsgiving for no apparent reason.  Drinking sugar filled pineapple upside down cake drinks with my parents on Saturday afternoons.  I don't even mind a drunk night out, but if I going to drink it should be "worth it". (Seriously, am I an alcoholic? Because I sure as hell sound like it.)
• Stop eating out - Not in an overall sense.  I am too social for that.  But the day I forgot to pack my lunch (which should NEVER happen, but it does) so I eat a bento box.  Or I am just bored with my food from home so I get Jimmy John's.  Now I never eat "fast food" in the sense of Long John Silvers, McDonald's, Taco Bell (not because I don't love these places because I do, how good does a Chalupa sound right now?), but no matter how you look at it Panera and Potbelly are not that healthy...and I am pretty sure the gyro platter at Pita Queen is worse for you than a Quarter Pound with cheese extra value meal anyways.
• Pop, soda, whatever the hell you call it - I need to stop this life of moderation and face facts.  I can not drink carbonated beverages.  I can not just have one, not even every once in awhile (how often is that anyways?!?).  It is going to have to be an all or nothing thing.  I love mountain dew.  Pepsi.  Coke.  Sprite.  I named my entire blog after a 44oz fountain pop at my favorite convenience store.  This seems like an impossible task but I need to do it.  Ugh, I love Jack and cokes....the thought of never having one again makes me so sad but come on there is NOTHING redeeming about this liquid from a health stand point.  Let's see how long this lasts.
• Incorporating variety - I am not exactly cook of the year.  I know like 3 recipes.  Maybe if I make things that are appetizing and are light on the calorie front I will lose weight, but this means trying new things.  I  can eat some of things I always do, but I need to try new things as well.  No matter what eating baked salmon and canned green beans is going to get old real quick.

Ok let's see how long this new inspiration last.  (One good thing about your pants not fitting is that you have a constant physical reminder that you are getting fatter.)  I posted this sign in my cube:

And need to design a similar one for my fridge.  Here is to TRYING to not feeling lost and getting back on track....

Inner Demons

I have often written that losing weight more difficult emotionally/mentally than it ever is physically.  Overall weight loss is hard on every part of your body.  My legs are constantly sore.  My arms feel like rubber after meeting with my trainer and constantly doing pull ups.  I currently have a blister that has now turned into an open wound on the back of my my foot that no matter how many band aids I put on it is constantly irritated.  But thanks to ice bags, Neosporin, and my compression sleeves (I LUV my compression sleeves more than any piece of running apparel I have purchased) these things will all heal.  I will always have soreness in my legs, if not I am not training hard enough.  If I want to be able to do unassisted pull ups; then I need to face facts that some days I will not be able to reach my arms above my shoulders.  It comes with the territory.  I am willing to accept this.  And for some reason feeling sore feels GOOD, maybe because you know you are working hard and results are coming soon.  (Feeling hurt does not….you need to know the difference.)

On the other hand, there is all that mental/emotional things that come with losing weight.  Isn’t weight loss suppose to be a happy time?  People can say what they want, but for the most part people look better the healthier they are (note the word healthy, not skinnier.  Bones are not attractive).  You also FEEL better.  You have more energy.  You have endorphins running through your body, which keep you happy, or at least they are suppose to.  Look at before and after pictures who have massive weight loss, aren’t they generally all mopey looking in their before picture and are beaming in their after?  That’s because in general, life is easier and happier when you aren’t lugging around all those extra pounds.  Think about it, you can shop at normal stores, you can comfortably fit on an airplane without that dreaded look from your neighbor that is a stranger that is thinking oh no they are sitting next to me, you can walk up a flight of stairs without being winded (ha this isn’t always true, sometimes I get winded walking to my 3^rd floor apartment), and you lose all the stigmas that come along with being fat.  Did you know that a girl that is overweight is 10 times more likely to be viewed as lazy by her peers?   (On the flip side, girls who are skinny at 10 times more likely to be thought of as being vain.)

So what could possibly be so hard to get over by losing weight?  The simple answer yourself.   I call her my inner fat girl.  When I was bigger it was the person inside me that didn’t judge me when I ate too much (way way way too much) in the confines of my own apartment, where others would had I been in public.  She was with me when I would go shopping with my friends and try to fit in something that I knew was too small, just so I would never had to admit out loud that none of the clothes at their stores fit me.  She was the one that rationalized with me that I didn’t work out, come on wasn’t my day job hard enough?    I have never been skinny, honestly I don’t think it is in my genes, so since I was old enough to realize that I was bigger than most of my friends, I came to terms with being the fat girl.  I was the token one of my group of friends.  I never really liked that stigma, and honestly I don’t know if anyone else ever identified me as that, but that is how I felt on the inside.  And as weird of it sounds it is so hard to let go of.

Why?  Because it was my excuse.  It was the reason for not doing things.  Why couldn’t I run a 5k?  I was too fat.  Why didn’t I dress fashionably?  I was too fat.  Why didn’t that guy like me?  I was too fat.  Now, OMG if it is not being fat then what is it? I can’t run a 5k because well I can, I just choose not to get out of bed to ONLY run 3 miles…too much work.  I am probably not fashionable because well I just am not the next Rachel Zoe.  And that guy who doesn’t like me….gasp maybe he just doesn’t like ME.  Not because I am fat, but because he didn’t like the person I am.  And that is an awful pill to swallow.  So every time that I go to a store and I try on something that doesn’t fit (damn you pants from Forever 21) I feel that inner fat girl telling me that I will never be that small….why would you ever think you could be that size?  Or when a guy that you are interested in blows you off, I can feel those inner demons telling me “who do you think you are to think a guy like that would never be interested in a girl like you”.  My inner fat girl might comfort me when I am sad and want to eat a burrito, but is detrimental when things go wrong, way wrong (good thing I am hard headed or I am pretty sure she would have convinced me not to finish the Chicago Marathon). 

This is a constant battle.  Little by little it gets easier, but it still is difficult to do.  No more excuses.  If you don’t hit your goals it is because you didn’t try hard enough.  If that guy isn’t into you it is because he didn’t like you, you as a person….not just your body.  And has hard as those things are to accept, it is much better than making excuses.  If I fail at something it is alllllll me.

Today I ran 2 miles in 14:50 today.  HELL YES.  I am pretty sure when I started this journey I couldn’t run one mile in 15 minutes!!  Take that fat girl....

Spin Spin Spin

Spinning absolutely terrified me.  Everyone in the classes seemed so intense, and knew what they were doing.  Plus unless my mom suggests it, I am not a big fan of riding a bike - so why would I like an hour of intense biking on a spin bike!  (I am much more of a beach cruiser kind of girl.)  But I have been saying for foreva that I want to try (I was curious about all this hype!), so I added it to my 30 before 30 list...so I had to do it.  6 weeks ago I took my first class.  Luckily my favorite instructor from the gym is the spin teacher as well, so she help me set up my bike and didn't make me feel like a dummy for having not the slightest clue how to work these things.  Then I had one hour of grueling cardio on a bike that went absolutely no where.  I was covered in sweat.  I chugged my bottle of water in the first 30 minutes.  I was also in love.  I could not believe how much I enjoyed it.  Not that it wasn't hard it was, I remember looking at the clock halfway through thinking that I couldn't make it another 25 minutes.  Yet I did, and it was glorious.  Since then I have been back at least once a week, and sometimes twice.  Not only is the instructor awesome, but the playlist is the BEST.  It is so much better to climb hills when "Heart broken" by Karmin is on or speed work is much more fun with Madonna's "Give Me all Your Luvin"....I mean she even plays "Call Me Maybe".   Enough said.

I did my runs this week and then did spinning afterwards.  It is definitely exhausting but I also feel AMAZING afterwards.  Plus you get to be competitive or I secretly am.  I always try to go faster than the people next to me; or make sure I have mine turned up to a higher intensity.  (I know you can't really tell on those bikes, but I can kind of tell by the number of turns they are taking!)  I don't know how long I will be able to keep this sort of schedule up, but I am going to try for as long as I can.  I can feel my quads getting stronger by the day.  Stronger quads=faster Chelsea, well that and less jiggle in the thighs, my ultimate goal.  Plus you burn oodles of calories so that can't be hurting my attempt at weight loss.  

On a different note, a steam ship line brought me pastries as a thank you gift for our business.  I put them in the lunch room hoping that everyone else in the company will eat them for me.  I do have will power....well at least I think I do.  Attempting to have it at the moment at least, thank god it is not pizza.  I can not resist a good piece of pizza!  I seriously hate healthy food.

The Live In is Gone

In Feb of this year my cousin Bo accepted a 12 week internship with an architecture firm on Michigan Ave.  Since 3 month leases are damn near impossible in this city, he moved in with me in my small one bedroom apartment, and was then referred to as the live in from that point on.  Move in date was the Saturday following St. Patrick's, the next 12 weeks we spent taking Jameson shots like crazy, eating as many restaurants as we could, and listening to 'Call Me Maybe' on repeat.
Here is our meal from Big and Little's that was on Diner's Drive Ins and Dives:

A pork belly sandwich with a side of Fois Gras and fries.  Yes, deep fried starch, aka potatoes covered in duck fat.  I seriously could have licked the container it was that good.  Or a 3 layer cake from Table 52:

I am pretty sure Art Smith put lard in this, and it was unbelievable.  After fried chicken and shrimp and grits no less.  Not to mention the 4-5 PINTS of Jack and Coke I would down a night.  Yeah pints....no high ball glasses here.  I was in a weight competition at work and was the only person that gained weight.  I ran 2 half marathons slow....way slow by my standards.  Thank god I was still going to the gym somewhat regularly.  Even between running and endless dance sessions at Harrigans, it happened.  I gained FIFTEEN pounds.  And my speed was greatly affected.  Like 10 minute mile if I am lucky slow.  (easy equation.....the less I weigh the faster I run.  I know this isn't true for everyone but it is for me).  As well as I just generally felt blah.  Honestly, I feel heavier now than I have ever been (key word being feel, not actually).  SOOO....Bo is gone.  I am sad and a bit lonely.  I miss having someone to tell if my outfit is ok or not, to make me breakfast on Sunday mornings, or just having someone to talk to when I come home from work. 

But this was not a healthy lifestyle.  Blacking out on a Thursday is fun.  But I would probably consume 1500 calories in drinks alone, not to mention the Qdoba or Panda Express I could eat on Friday afternoons.  Plus the all day drink fests on Sundays that followed crazy Saturday nights out.   It was fun, almost too fun, made me feel like I was 22 and a drinking champ again fun; but all good things must come to an end.  And it did, last weekend Bo finally departed. 

What perfect timing.  Marathon training has just started.  If I want to run the race I want to (and my god do I, it ain't called redemption Sunday for nothing!) I need to lose 20 to 25 lbs.  I will not run a 4:15 at this current weight.  SO, it is time to get serious.  Does this mean I am giving up everything to focus on my weight loss, hell no.  BUT I need to stop it with snacking on chips.  Eating those plastics containers full of oatmeal chocolate chip cookies from Trader Joe's (damn you Joe those things are soooo good), and the getting drunk 4 nights a week has to stop.  Now.  So I went grocery shopping this week.  I bought fish, brown rice, fruit, veggies, trail mix and one box of skinny cow ice cream sandwiches (hey a girl can't give things up cold turkey).  And I am working out a lot.  Going to bed at a decent hour.  Having one beer when I go out, to dinner.  (let's be honest that will never happen on a Saturday night but good for week nights)  Eating half my sandwich when eating at a restaurant and saving the other half for lunch the next day.  Small changes every day.  Just in general picking a healthier life style.

It is easy to be positive 4 days in, but I really need to get to work.  I have so much to do in the next 15 weeks to prepare for this race.  PLUS my favorite BCBG dress does not fit.  That is unacceptable and needs to be changed asap.  Plus I just want to feel better, because as much fun as being a party girl is and it really is; you don't really feel that great until you have booze in your system, and that my friends is an alcoholic. 

The only thing that hasn't stopped......'Call Me Maybe' on repeat. all.the.time.  I don't know if that ever will.

Here comes week 3

Weeks like this, with the heat of the city make me want to cry.  I went running at 5am this morning and was still miserable the entire time.  It is going to be one very long training season.

Happy National Running Day!!!

Today is National Running Day....and I could not be less excited to go for a run.  At least the weather is perfect so that will help ease how sore I am.  Yesterday marked the beginning of my training for my THIRD marathon.  I know it is only 3, but I would thought by now the fear of training/running this would have died down...but no.  The marathon and the training are daunting, I am still as nervous as the first time I started this.

Yesterday my 3 mile run was horrible.  It was one of those runs that was short but felt like 10 miles.  I did spinning after that (my new favorite workout) and afterwards I was pretty physically tired.  I want to keep up spinning one day a week just to mix up my workouts! 

I am hoping in honor of today, that my run will be better.  The weather could not be more perfect for it!

On a different note, whoever wrote this article needs to get a life:

http://fitbie.msn.com/slideshow/fitness-classes-more-fun-night-out

I am sorry but no class at the gym will ever compare to a night out.  ever.

I am less than a month out than my two half marathons in one weekend adventure and I am having a lot of trouble training.  I am not into my running, at all.  The miles are kind of forced, and I have to physically drag myself to the gym.  But yesterday I was watching a promotional video for the 2012 Chicago Marathon (otherwise known as redemption Sunday) and that made me so pumped.  It is still 6 months out, and I wanted to run it this weekend.  Which made me come to the conclusion that I am not a born runner; I love racing.  Saturday morning training runs are awful.  I will never be the person that just goes for a "run" for however long I feel.  Do you know how long that run would last?  Maybe a mile.  I like the finish line.  I like the feeling of completion.  Having a goal and fulfilling it is what I do.  I think this is why I have struggled the last few months, and have gained quite a few lbs back, I don't have a plan.  I have been trying to make up my own workout plans for these 2 half marathons, but it isn't go so well.  Do I still think I will be able to do it?  Of course.  Do I think I can run one of them half marathons in less than 1:55?  Not a shot in hell.  I will be excited when marathon training returns into my life, I will have a laid out plan of what to do every day.  Maybe I have just done too much and I am burnt out, 2 full marathons and 7 half marathons in less than 2 years is a lot for someone who 6 months prior to the first half was a complete couch potato.  SO I have decided to take a break.  On May 5th and 6th I will run the Indy Mini and the Cincinnati Flying Pig Half Marathon, and will give myself one week of light exercises.  Then on May 14th, I will begin the Insanity 60 Day Challenge.  If you have never heard of it check out the commercial for it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZLK28BHJDd8

It honestly looks insane.  But I am hoping to miss running while I do this.  I mean this looks like Becky's Kwando class 6 days a week.  Hopefully this will kick my butt back into marathon shape and I will be able to get a PR on October 7th.  Plus I am hoping a 60 day break from running will get me excited to log so many miles on the patch come mid July for my 12 week marathon training!